This song was used as the music for Psalm 139, and is referenced by the text describing Song 044 – My Family. This is one of those very personal songs, written in a very personal moment of insecurity, which – although it can be said it turned out to be justified, I have never sung for anyone but myself because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. A few years before this, Marti had threatened divorce. As I recall this threat was a response to my losing my temper and yelling at the kids about not taking care of my stereoscope. I had walked out of the house, walked all night to Brookshire along the railroad track from Fry Road, seriously contemplating stepping in front of a passing train, slept for a while in a granary, and the next morning called home from a pay phone in Brookshire and attempted to patch things up. After this experience, my life changed. I did not know what was happening to the eternal family I had worked so hard for. It was obvious I was not leading in the right manner. Certainly, I recognized, at least subconsciously, there were few following my example and my teachings. No one was home on this Saturday, April 30th, 1994. I started playing my guitar, writing down my fears, and this song resulted. There is a verse about each individual in our family at that time. I was overwhelmed with the negative. I did not (do not) have the tools to handle those who were not following (will not follow) my example, who – in my opinion – did not (do not) want to be part of my family – as shown by life choices, and I was (am) overwhelmed. I have those in the family who say: “You do not know me.” I guess I feel like most of those who say this, “do not know me.” I believe that if they would put a portion of the emotional energy I am putting into publishing these songs, so they can come to know me better – if they choose to, I would know them. And yet I fear this effort will come across over time as another one of my ego trips. As time passes, the family status of some stays too much the same. The bright lights are when someone finds what I found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and changes their life. It is particularly heartening to see how well each of our grandchildren are doing with their lives.
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